


Ten Foolproof Steps on How to Seduce a Man

by writeonclara



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Don't Try This At Home, Humor, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 13:41:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1268485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeonclara/pseuds/writeonclara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the kink meme prompt:</p><p>Arthur, has been returned from his rest in Avalon for over a year now, and he is proud to say that he seems to have adapted modern life fairly quickly. He's figured out the ins and outs of living in the 21st century and has taken time along the way to properly mourn both Camelot and Gwen.</p><p>But now? He's at the point in his new life that he's ready to start considering what he wants for his future. And the rules of modern romance aren't helpful so much as downright contradictory or confusing.</p><p>How does a former medieval king court a 1000+ year old sorcerer anyway?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten Foolproof Steps on How to Seduce a Man

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как соблазнить мужчину за десять шагов. Пособие для чайников.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3667521) by [shooting_the_moon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shooting_the_moon/pseuds/shooting_the_moon)
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授翻】Ten Foolproof Steps on How to Seduce a Man 超实用！十步捕获男人心](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10686561) by [ambertria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambertria/pseuds/ambertria)



> Going through my old kink meme fills and completing the ones I temporarily abandoned.

_Step 1: Wear subtle hints of make-up. While men don't like when you mask your entire face, a little bit of eyeliner and mascara can go a long way._

" _Arthur._ Are you wearing eyeliner?"

Arthur prided himself in being very "in the know" with "all of the mod cons," but by the way Merlin was looking at him, eyes crinkled with a little bit of confusion and a lot a bit of mirth, he thought he may have got something wrong. It was like that one time that shall never be spoken of again where, desperate for the protection of his chainmail, Arthur had unknowingly emulated a goth-punk-rocker (whatever that was).

He stood a little straighter, tilting his chin up defiantly.

"Is there a problem?"

"No, no. It's very, er, lovely."

This just confirmed Arthur's first impression of the "Internet" as evil. He should never have trusted this Google person. Clearly, they were mad.

 

_Step 2: Expose some skin. Nothing drives a man more crazy then a little bit of cleavage or a bare back._

While there wasn't much Arthur could do about the cleavage, he could easily do the latter. He could even add a little twist to it, get Merlin's hands on him again. The thought raised goose pimples along his arms. It had been a long, long time since he was last touched.

So Arthur said, "Undress me," in the same imperious tone he used so many years ago.

Merlin looked up from the book he was reading to frown at Arthur. "Why should I? It's not like you're wearing chainmail. Undress yourself."

"Fine," Arthur snapped, and pulled the shirt over his head. Then he sort of stood around, not sure what to do next. Merlin didn't even look up from his book.

He puttered around, picking up the books Merlin left strewn around the flat. When he thought Merlin was looking, he made sure to put a book up on the highest shelf, flexing his back muscles impressively.

"You know," said Merlin, after Arthur had put away three books. "Usually, when someone undresses, it's because they're changing into a different outfit or having a bath. Things haven't changed _that much_ , Arthur."

Merlin always had been a bit slow. Arthur didn’t know why he thought that would change. He snatched his shirt up from where he tossed it and stomped from the room.

 

_Step 3: Say their name often. This shows men that you are thinking about them._

" _Mer_ lin. What are you doing, _Mer_ lin?"

Merlin turned from the door, scowling at the disdainful way Arthur was saying his name. "Going out."

"Why are you dressed like Emrys, _Mer_ lin?"

Arthur would never admit it out loud, but he hated it when Merlin donned the old man guise. It reminded him of a time when Merlin hadn’t trusted him.

Merlin looked thoughtful, one hand on the doorknob. "Well, it's always been easier this way, I guess. People don't pay much attention to an old man, except maybe to give him some money. People leave me alone."

"Well," Arthur huffed, standing up and going to Merlin's side. "You're not alone anymore, so get out of that ridiculous get up. Now, where are we going, _Mer_ lin?"

Merlin stared at him, blue eyes large and startled. His slow smile was partially hidden behind his ridiculous beard. In a blink, Merlin was Merlin again, and a slow hunger that had nothing to do with food burned low in Arthur's belly. It seemed that there was something at this whole 'name-saying' bit.

"You're right." Merlin beamed at Arthur in a way that looked sort of mad, but also made Arthur's heart flutter a little.

Arthur cleared his throat loudly. "Well? Where to, then?"

"Well, I was just going to head to the market, then—"

"It's a lovely day outside, _Mer_ lin. We'll go on a walk first, then we can go to the market."

Merlin rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling so wide that his cheeks were probably hurting.

"Of course, sire."

Yes, Arthur would _definitely_ call this a win.

 

_Step 4: Let him know he's appreciated. Leave love notes in his pocket or around his home._

~~Your eyes are very blue. Or gold.~~

~~I really like your cheekbones.~~

~~Sometimes, I think about your ankles on my shoulders.~~

Arthur tore the failed letter in half. Then, in a fit in paranoia, shredded the paper in tiny pieces. Then he flushed it down the toilet.

It wasn't that Arthur was _shy_ , it was just that—well, what if Merlin laughed? He didn't think he could handle it, if Merlin laughed.

 

_Step 5: Engage him in flirtatious banter. Most men love a woman who can hold her own in a battle of wits._

"Look, Arthur, I know it's important to you to stay in shape, but I've asked you at least a thousand times to put your weights away. I think I broke my toe trying to get to the loo this morning!"

"It's not that big of a deal," Arthur said with a dismissive wave, not turning away from the stove. He fiddled with one of the knobs, before it struck him that this would be the perfect time to 'engage Merlin in flirtatious banter.'

"In fact, even if you broke it, you could just, you know." Arthur waved again, this time to indicate 'magic it better,' before he pretended to rethink this. "Well, no, you're pants at pretty much everything you do and would probably end up growing another toe."

When Merlin didn't immediately respond, Arthur turned to him with a mocking smile. Only, Merlin looked as if he had been slapped, stunned and almost as if he was going to cry, and that just was _not on_. Arthur took a step towards him, reaching out, promises that everything was okay stuck in his throat, even though he had no idea what could have put such a broken expression on Merlin's face.

"No, you're right," said Merlin, voice hoarse, and Arthur grabbed his shoulders. Merlin was _trembling_. "I really am pants at healing magic. I couldn't save you, after all."

"Merlin—"

"Excuse me, Arthur." Merlin broke away from his grasp, and when Arthur tried to reach for him again, to make it better, an invisible force gently pushed him away. Then Merlin went into his room and did something to make the door stick.

"Merlin, I'm sorry. That was thoughtless of me."

Merlin didn't respond.

"It wasn't your fault."

Silence.

"Well, now you're just being stupid!"

Arthur wasn't sure how he managed it, but somehow the silence became offended.

"I was going to die anyway, whether I was eighty or twenty-eight. It happened. I died. I'm not dead anymore, so are you going to waste the time we have together now regretting something not even the great Emrys can control?"

After a long moment, Merlin's door finally gave way. Merlin's eyes were slightly red, but he was at least looking at Arthur.

Arthur sat close to Merlin on his bed, letting their knees touch. "I'm sorry I left you alone for so long."

If Merlin hadn't been crying before, he certainly was now—huge, messy sobs that wracked his thin frame and startled Arthur something bad. Oh, God. He didn’t think he had this whole "flirting" thing down, since he highly doubted that you were supposed to make the person you were flirting with burst into tears. Maybe after he finished with these steps, he would ask Google "how do I flirt."

 

_Step 6: Touch him often. Touching someone shows that you are open to be touched back._

After the terrible crying incident that Arthur desperately hoped he would eventually forget, Merlin slumped against Arthur's side, sleeping like a little kid. After several long minutes of being a human pillow, Arthur reached over to touch the top of Merlin's head. At the last moment, he ended up ruffling Merlin's hair, somewhat roughly.

"What?" Merlin asked, still a little sadly.

"Come on, lie down." Arthur wrapped an arm around Merlin's chest, settling them both back into Merlin's pillows.

When Merlin looked at him, it was with tender edges, like a wound that was starting to heal. He smiled, still raw, but better. "Sorry about the water works."

"It's fine. I always knew you were a giant girl."

Merlin huffed a sleepy laugh. "Prat," he mumbled, already drifting back to sleep.

Arthur pulled him a little closer, staring at the ceiling. "Idiot," he whispered back, and he wasn't sure if he was talking about Merlin, or himself.

 

_Step 7: Smile at him often. Let him know that you're happy to be around him._

It wasn't that Arthur _didn't_ smile at Merlin—he just wasn't sure he did so often.

After brushing his teeth, he checked himself out in the mirror. He never had been a bad looking man. In fact, he even turned heads in this time period. It was just a question of whether or not he turned _Merlin's_ head.

He tried out a smile. It wasn't terrible, just a little crooked.

He tried grinning, opening his eyes wide. It made him look mad.

He tried it out on Merlin, anyway.

"You look mad," said Merlin. "Why are you grinning like that?"

Arthur supposed he probably should have waited until the situation actually warranted a grin like that, instead of just springing it on the unexpected. He shrugged a little. "Just happy, I guess."

Merlin pressed his lips together, but he smiled a little, too. "I'm glad."

When Arthur gave Merlin a genuine smile in response, he realised that Merlin looked a little mad when he grinned, too.

 

_Step 8: Make plenty of eye contact. Nothing shows you’re interested like giving him your undivided attention._

“Do I have something on my face? Oh, dammit, I’ve had a bogey all this time, haven’t I?”

Merlin leaped from his chair and rushed to a mirror, checking up his nose. 

Arthur sighed.

 

_Step 9: If all is going well, give him a gift. Preferably, something subtly sexy._

In retrospect, Arthur should have known that it would be a bad idea to ask Google "Where can I find a sexy gift in London?" Google already proved themselves to be mad. And when they sent Arthur to his very first sex shop, he realised that they were actually totally deranged.

"God preserve me," Arthur murmured, staring at something that was having a go at looking like a knob, but in reality seemed more like a Swiss army knife Merlin had shown him once.

"You interested in that?" a cheerful young pregnant woman asked. Her name tag said, ‘Hi! I’m Elana!’ Arthur stared at it for longer than was polite, but she was probably used to her chest being ogled at because she just smiled wryly. "Brave man."

"Is it supposed to be a weapon?" asked Arthur, dubiously.

"Ha! Looks like one, yeah? My girlfriend has one—swears by it—but I don't need my orgasm beat out of me, thanks all the same."

"Sensible woman."

"It's even got a _siren_. Take a look." And, to Arthur's horror, she pressed something on the beast and it wailed in approval.

"Oh my God."

"I know! Anyway, by the look on your face, you seem like you'd be more interested in something less aggressive. I know just the thing for you."

 

When Merlin came home that evening, it was to find Arthur puzzling over a set of hot pink fuzzy handcuffs and blindfold. After he managed to stop laughing over Arthur's offended protests, he asked, "Why on earth do you have that?!"

"It was supposed to be a gift for you!"

This set Merlin off again, much to Arthur's annoyance. "Well, fine. If you don't want them—"

"No, no!" Merlin said quickly, grabbing the handcuffs and blindfold. "That was very nice of you, Arthur."

Arthur folded his arms, somewhat mollified. "Good. You have no idea what I had to go through to get you those."

"I guess the question is— _why_ did you get me these?"

Arthur found he couldn't answer that outright, so he decided to get offended again. "If you're going to interrogate me every time I get you a gift, you might as well forget it!" He made a swipe for the handcuffs, but Merlin was too quick.

"I like them," he said, then opened one of the handcuffs and wrapped it around Arthur's tea cup. "Tea cosy."

Arthur's lips quirked. When he laughed, Merlin laughed with him.

 

_Step 10: Finally, just tell him. Give him indirect hints that you’re interested in being with him._

“I like you.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly the subtle approach he was aiming for. What he intended to say was an extremely subtle, “Your hair does not look as much like a rat’s nest today.” Merlin had that ridiculous tome spread out over his lap, bent over it in a way that made Arthur’s back twinge in sympathy. And when Arthur opened his mouth to compliment Merlin’s hair, he instead said—well, something he had not intended to say out loud. At least, not yet. Arthur’s neck got hot. He pulled at his collar, wondering if it would be a bit too obvious if he went and hid in the bathroom.

Merlin looked up from his book, keeping his place with one long finger. He frowned at Arthur, a small line grooving between his eyebrows. Arthur clenched his hands into fists at his sides in a weak attempt not to show just how nervous he was.

“I like you, too.”

“No, I mean—” Arthur looked down at Merlin’s quizzical smile and his resolve crumbled.

This was it. He had smiled at Merlin, touched his hair, and even painted his face. He flirted with him (albeit admittedly not very well), looked him in the eye, and given him gifts. And now, when he finally spelled it out for the idiot, Merlin just looked puzzled.

Maybe Arthur was being presumptuous. It wouldn’t be the first time he thought someone cared for him when they were just swayed by his crown. But this was _Mer_ lin. Merlin loved Arthur.

Maybe just not how Arthur loved Merlin.

“I—"

Merlin smiled at him encouragingly.

Arthur ran away.

 

Arthur hid at the sex shop for a solid two hours, dawdling in the vibrator section. He still wasn’t convinced by their guarantees for pleasure. There were torture devices that looked more friendly than these things.

Towards the end of the second hour, the bloke who looked at him with varying degrees of interest and discomfort (probably had something to do with the way Arthur was frowning at the swiss army dildo) changed shifts with the pregnant Elana-who-was-not-Elena.

“Mate!” She pat him on the shoulder in an overly familiar gesture, but Arthur found he didn’t mind. “What’re you doing, scaring my cashiers?”

Arthur stiffened, glowering at a purple—contraption—that claimed its fun in and out of water. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve been here for two hours, which—okay, isn’t totally out of the norm for our customers, but usually they creep around the mags.”

If possible, Arthur stiffened more. “I don’t _creep_!”

“Of course you don’t,” said the insufferable girl, resuming with the infernal shoulder-patting. Arthur longed for the days of a good old pyre-burning. “So then, why do you look like you’re considering using one of these things as a weapon? I mean, it’s not my place to judge—”

“I was merely perusing your wares,” said Arthur, through gritted teeth.

“Ri-ight.”

Arthur was beginning to think she didn’t believe him. “I’m beginning to think you don’t believe me.”

Elana grabbed the Swiss Army Dildo, holding it up with both her hands. She pointed it towards Arthur. He took a large step back, bumping into the shelves behind him. “Who’re you hiding from?”

“Nobody!”

To Arthur’s horror, she pressed one of the buttons. It shook menacingly at him. “Is it the person you bought the fuzzy handcuffs for?”

“No!”

She pressed another button and started up the wailing.

“All right, all right!” Arthur held up his hands in defeat. He glared at her. She smiled angelically, which was a little disconcerting since she was pointing the Demonic Dildo at him. “It’s just—I just—”

He looked a little helplessly her, physically incapable of explaining his humiliation. Thankfully, Elana was the good sort and didn’t start waving the vibrator at him again.

“I’ve got just the thing for you!” she said, filling Arthur with dread.

 

When Arthur returned to their flat twenty minutes later, it was to find Merlin sitting outside against the door, looking up at Arthur with an unreadable expression on his face. Arthur stopped, clutching the small paper bag behind his back.

“I’ve been thinking,” said Merlin.

“Did you strain something?” asked Arthur, automatically.

“Ha ha.” Merlin looked uncertain, then held up the fuzzy pink handcuffs. All of Arthur’s blood rushed to his face at once. “You didn’t buy these for me as a tea cosy, did you.”

The ceiling was very interesting. Arthur could count a full five cracks just above his head. Maybe he should talk to the landlord about getting these fixed—

“Arthur.”

The crack in the middle was particularly fascinating. It could spring a leak any day, flooding the entire hallway and maybe drowning Arthur. Right now, preferably.

“Arthur, look at me.”

Maybe he could—

Arthur’s head was suddenly jerked back down to face Merlin, which was _totally unfair_. “Oy!”

Merlin, the cheating bastard, just waved the handcuffs at him and lifted his eyebrows expectantly.

“Well,” said Arthur. “Well, what if I didn’t?”

“Why did you buy them for me, then?”

“Why do you think, _Mer_ lin?”

Merlin pushed himself to his feet, stepping right into Arthur’s personal space. Arthur absolutely did not take a step back. This close, Arthur could see that Merlin wasn’t as unaffected as Arthur thought. His pupils were blown wide and his lips were parted, breath coming out in small, hot puffs of air. Arthur swallowed. Merlin’s eyes flicked down to Arthur’s neck.

“I think,” said Merlin, and _fuck_ , Arthur didn’t even know Merlin could sound like that. “I think—when you said you liked me, you meant you _liked_ me.”

“Brilliant observation,” said Arthur, aiming for sarcastic but coming out sort of high pitched. “I had no idea you could infer my meaning from exactly what I said—”

Whatever Arthur was going to say next was cut off when Merlin surged forward, crashing his lips against Arthur’s. It was too hard and Merlin was kissing more of his lower lip than anything else. Arthur shoved him up against the door to their flat, reaching up to grab handfuls of Merlin’s soft black hair, so hard that Merlin whimpered into his mouth. Arthur surged up against him, wedging his thigh between Merlin’s legs, and if they didn’t get inside _right now_ —

“Arthur,” Merlin groaned. Arthur shuddered.

“If you want this to last, Merlin—”

“Arthur, I love you.”

Arthur drew back. Merlin’s eyes were huge and his hair was a complete disaster. He reached up to slide one hand down the side of Arthur’s face. “I just—wanted you to know,” he said, a little lamely.

“Yeah,” said Arthur, gruffly. Then he buried his face in Merlin’s shoulder, overwhelmed, and mumbled, “Me too.”

 

**EXTRA**

They eventually did make it into the flat without completely humiliating themselves, though Arthur did lose his shirt before they opened the door. The bed, however, was too much to ask for. Arthur shoved Merlin down to the floor, dropping the small paper bag to the side and crawling on top of him, knees bracketing Merlin’s skinny hips.

But Merlin had a singular inability to remain focused on one task at a time. He grabbed the bag. “What’s this?”

“Merlin,” Arthur growled.

Merlin reached into the bag and pulled out the item. It was purple. It had _ridges._ Merlin's eyebrows flew up so high that they were almost completely hidden by his fringe.

Arthur sighed. “Elana said that it was a wand, and since you’re a warlock, I figured—oh, what _now_?!”

Arthur did _not_ think that laughter was appropriate for this situation _at all_.


End file.
